Thirteen-year-olds Katie McCurdy (left) and Amelia Woods (right) have been BFFs (that’s “best friends forever,” parents) even though Katie lives in Sayville and Amelia, who also happens to be her cousin, lives in Virginia. What makes them such good friends?

“We talk to each other every day, an hour on school days and up to four hours on weekends,” says Katie. “And if we have an argument, we work it out immediately, because there’s no point in staying angry with each other.”

They also have a lot of fun together, sharing interests in fashion, scary movies, dancing and writing. But both girls admit that being best friends means working at it to keep it that way. And Katie’s mom, Maura McCurdy, says she has always impressed upon her daughter that for a friendship to be strong, you have to be honest and communicate through your problems — and stay away from relationships with kids who are petty and mean.

Childhood friendships like the one shared by these teens can be a challenge in this era when adults often base the success of a relationship on whether or not a child is the leader of the pack rather than a natural born follower — and often convey that to their children. While experts believe the focus on leadership in today’s society can put shy or quiet children at a disadvantage, they also say that neither personality trait should be stressed over the other. Instead, parents should place more emphasis on helping children learn how to be good friends.

That’s important because children aren’t born with the knowledge, says Margaret Sagarese, co-author with Charlene C. Giannetti of Cliques: 8 Steps to Help Your Child Survive the Social Jungle (Broadway Books, $14). “They need to be taught what it means to be a friend, what’s appropriate and inappropriate behavior. Kids have to learn this at their parents’ knees because they won’t learn it correctly anyplace else. Friendship is the invisible curriculum in school.”

Sagarese, who lives in Riverhead, learned that firsthand when her daughter Skylar was in fifth grade and her teacher called home complaining about the girl’s behavior. “The teacher said that every day half a dozen girls were crying,” recalls Sagarese. “There were notes going back and forth. There was a lot of criticizing and my daughter was one of the ringleaders. I said, ‘My daughter? She’s very shy and quiet.’”

Leadership Cues

When Sagarese approached Skylar, the young girl said her friends were looking to her to lead their little group and the girls were bullying others. Sagarese realized her daughter needed guidance.

“I had to teach her that leadership has responsibility,” she said. “It isn’t always something you choose for yourself. I told her, ‘All these kids are looking to you for cues. If you can’t say something nice about somebody, don’t say anything.’ She learned she had a choice of how to behave when in a leadership position.”

If your child is naturally shy or reticent about friendships, that’s okay too, stresses Benjamin Mankita, C.S.W., a certified social worker in Plainview who specializes in children and family therapy. Unfortunately, some parents have a hard time accepting that. “Often what a parent will do is get on the child, telling them, `You have to have more play dates, make more friends.’ That tends to erode the child’s self-confidence. The message the parent is giving the child is what you’re doing isn’t good enough, it’s not acceptable.”

Mankita says the best thing parents can do with any child is give them the feeling that they’re supportive of whatever the child’s trying to do. “If you show your child that you accept her nature, she’ll feel more comfortable at changing or bringing up things she feels uncomfortable with.”

Play Date Power

Training children in the intricate social skills that make for good friendships begins early on. By age two, children are already making friends with children in the neighborhood, at day care or play dates set up by parents who are friends. For the most part, these situations are supervised. This makes it easier to grasp opportunities that teach them about sharing, problem solving and how to handle anger appropriately.

It’s important in the early stages for parents to structure play dates and observe what’s going on, according to Deborah Weisbrot, M.D., director of the Child and Adolescent Outpatient Psychiatry Clinic at Stony Brook University Hospital. “You can’t assume that very young children can entertain themselves. You should set out activities and plan what they’re going to do so they can be successful on their play dates.”

If children are naturally anxious or shy in social settings, Dr. Weisbrot says, keep groups small. “Help a child pick one playmate they’re comfortable with. You don’t want to start out with a situation that’s doomed to fail.”

Testing the Waters

As children mature, they begin to realize all people aren’t the same. You can encourage their acceptance of different people by exposing them to different children. “This will increase their tolerance for children who are different from them,” says Laurie Segal, an early childhood development expert in East Williston.

Children also start forming new friendships based on the roles they want to play. “Children try on different friends,” Segal says. “As they grow, sometimes they want to be a leader; sometimes they want to be a follower. They’re testing and trying on these various roles for themselves. And what better way to do it than in social settings?”

Additionally, parents’ actions can influence how children act in certain situations. According to Rona Novick, Ph.D., a child psychologist and associate professor at Yeshiva University in Manhattan, sometimes the problem with children who are overly bossy is the parents who coach them to be that way. “You go to a Little League game and the parent says, ‘I don’t care if you step onthree people to get to first base.’ Parents have to be careful. If they encourage their kids to take a leadership role, they have to do it in an unbossy way,” she says.

Role Modeling

How parents act with their own friends also makes an impact on the way children perceive friendship. “Children watch how you relate to your friends,” says Segal. “What priority do you place on friendship? If you hold a grudge, if you don’t express your feelings, if you tend to be bossy, or have a habit of criticizing, they’ll model that.”

Sagarese, who speaks to parents about children’s social lives, agrees. “We tell parents to make time for their friendships. Take your child and one of your friends along so they can watch you going out to dinner and a movie. Let them see what friendship looks like and how it operates.”

Good Traits of Friendship

Teaching your child to be a good friend means helping them understand the importance of respecting others, showing kindness and feeling empathy.

Empathy may be most important and it’s the one thing a child usually isn’t born understanding. In fact, most children are naturally self-centered.      “They don’t wake up in the morning and ask, ‘Who can I make miserable?’” says Dr. Rona Novick. “But they also don’t wake up and say, ‘Let me think about how everyone else feels.’ Yet, that’s really a good trait of friendship. To be a friend, you have to understand the other person’s perspective.”

One of the easiest ways to show your child the meaning of empathy is by asking questions. When a situation arises, Ben Mankita says parents should take advantage of it by asking their children, “How do you think the other person feels when that happens? How would you feel in this situation if that were to happen to you?”

Instead of criticizing a child for their inappropriate actions, help them understand how their behavior affected others. That will give them positive reinforcement instead of negative energy.

Respecting others is another important trait of friendship to teach your child and it’s often accomplished during sports when your child learns what it means to be a gracious winner and loser.

“Good sportsmanship teaches you can have a feeling on the inside and show something else on the outside,” says Laurie Segal. “They’re showing respect and that’s a sign of friendship.”