What Kind of Mother Are You?

On Mother’s Day we honor our mothers, but inherent in that focus are thoughts about how we were mothered and how we mother. Probably every mother has asked herself if she’s a good or even a good-enough mother, and looked at the way she was raised for answers. Was my mother loving and giving and protective? Did she give me self-confidence and a belief in my own abilities? Did she encourage my independence? Did she set a good example in her behavior and relationships that I could emulate? Or did she disappoint me, embarrass me and discourage me? Did she ruin me? Often, when a modern mother thinks she has fallen short and not given the 150 percent that’s expected of her every day, she devolves into two modes of thinking:

1.  Mom was so loving. What’s wrong with me?
2.  Mom was so unloving. That’s what’s wrong with me.
Both answers are incorrect.

To the first, your mother didn’t raise her children in 2008, with constant fears of child predators, international terrorism, anxiety about routine immunizations, and juggling to make ends meet in a two-career family. To the second, nothing is wrong with you that a little down time and help can’t solve.

But author Stephan B. Poulter, Ph.D. (see sidebar), believes that the deep influence of our own mothers leaves an indelible impression and, in large part, determines the kind of mother we ultimately become. He describes the following:

•  The Perfectionist Mother, whose family must look perfect in every way.
•  The Unpredictable Mother, whose ups-and-downs can create lifelong anxiety.
•  The Me First Mother, whose children come second.
•  The Best Friend Mother, who is now in vogue (but can wreak havoc).
•  The Complete Mother, who provides guidance and shows compassion.

Most women fall into all or a good portion of Dr. Poulter’s categories. But keep in mind that many children rebel against good examples and use bad examples as a guidepost of how “not to be.”

“Rather than simply blaming Mom,” Dr. Poulter says, “when we learn to more clearly understand and appreciate her influence, we can recreate our own Mother Factor legacy and develop a fuller capacity for self-acceptance and successful relationships, regardless of how we were mothered.”

Read These

The Mother Factor: HowYour Mother’s Legacy Impacts Your Life by Dr. Poulter (Prometheus, $18.95)

Mothers of Influence: The Inspiring Stories of Women Who Made a Difference in Their Children and Their World by Honor Books (Honor Books, $12)

Even June Cleaver Would Forget the Juice Box: Cut Yourself Some Slack (and Still Raise Great Kids) by Ann Dunnewold and Sandi Kahn Shelton (HCI Publishers, $10)