As parents we want to believe that when kids bully and tease it’s just a passing phase that will take care of itself. We want to protect our child and don’t know when and if we should intervene. But we know that those who are victimized are deeply hurt, that they need to learn how to handle it, and the feelings of humiliation give pain for a long time to come.
We need to teach our children how to take the power away from the bully and the teaser. The child who appears weak and defenseless or particularly immature or babyish is easy prey. These attributes are a reminder to the bully of what she wants to ward off in herself.
How can parents help? First, if the child is in a dangerous situation on the bus or in school, you need to intervene Once safety is addressed, your child needs you to empathize with him: “It feels so horrible when you’re teased. Let’s talk it out.” It’s important to emphasize his assets and then to help him see he does have the power over whether or not he lets these accusations get to him. An old trick is to remind the child what the bully might look like without his clothes. This statement has equalizing power.
Parents may not like to teach aggression to their child. But the idea is that it’s thought-out aggression and assertion. It’s important to give your child opportunities to feel important, strong and competent. Teach your child words to stand up to the bully to regain respect. Show him a confident posture. Enroll him in a self-defense class (if he wants it) to build his sense of physical power and skill. Also, it’s very important to sensitively teach your child to change the immature behavior that attracted the bully in the first place — if indeed that turns out to be the problem.
Pointers for Repairing Self-Esteem
- Teased children often don’t know how to fit in. Play dates with a more confident peer will help.
- Adult support to aid the child in facing his vulnerabilities is useful if done sensitively.
- Some children have a gap in their understanding of subtle aspects of social communication. If it appears they’re socially awkward and miss important social cues, a consultation with a professional social worker or psychologist may be in order.