Wandering through a store we see appealing articles. We may make a purchase, but something stops most of us from stealing. Are we afraid to be caught and punished? Yes. But this isn’t the only reason. There’s a sense of right and wrong that controls us. This is our conscience. How does this develop in the six to 11 year olds?

At age six, the first grader takes a leap in conscience building. Before this time, the parent was the guide for right and wrong. By six a dramatic shift occurs. The teacher’s approval becomes important and children begin to think for themselves. Wishes for immediate satisfaction shift into reliance on good judgments. Away from their parents, children are eager to be kind and good, self-disciplined little workers.

Rules become important by age seven and children sometimes become exceptionally self-critical for straying from a rule. Ask them what a punishment should be for a mild infraction and they burst out with a terribly harsh plan.

From eight to 11, the conscience becomes more kind and realistic. When children feel guilty about something, they’re able to talk and think it through and make amends. Their learning from earlier years has paid off.

Different Kinds of Ethics

Parents who are alert to the subtleties of con-science building guide their children well.

• Children observe closely how parents treat each other with kindness and respect. They internalize these values and build them into their consciences.

• Be mindful of the common “do as I say, not as I do.” Children are sensitive to parents’ actions and draw confusing conclusions when parents don’t explain fine points like a “white lie” to save another’s hurt feelings. As children get older, these nuances can be explored and understood.

• Generally virtuous parents slip up now and then by speeding when a policeman isn’t present. Children pick up on these infractions and internalize them as okay.

Behind all conscience building is the relationship between parent and child. When parents build this relationship as one based on talking and caring, conscience building comes naturally. If the relationship is fraught with conflict and strain, feelings of guilt muddy the waters.

Laurie Hollman, Ph.D. is a psychoanalyst who practices adult, adolescent, child and parent-infant psychotherapy at 1 Wawapek Rd., Cold Spring Harbor, NY, 11724.