Setting Limits and Structure

Helping children learn about necessary limits and structure begins with your nurturance of them. When your child presses you to buy a certain toy and you feel it’s over and above what’s needed or necessary, the simple way to set the limit is to reflect back that you know how much your child wants this toy (showing your understanding), but you can’t exceed your budget and must say “no.” When they accept the “no,” approval and praise for this is in order and reinforcing. On the other hand, a negative route to setting the same limit might be to say something to the effect that if the child keeps asking for the toy, they can’t have friends over for a week. That sudden, severe punishment doesn’t match the child’s request and illustrates that the parent doesn’t understand.

Children internalize limits out of a desire to please and receive approval from those they love. If it’s apparent you show understanding, the child will tolerate the “no.” Sometimes, however, children take in the limit setting out of fear of punishment and reprisals. Then there may be a combination of a desire for approval and fear of the parents’ reactions. Children who learn out of fear will generalize what they’ve learned to other situations only when an authority is present. For example, learning not to hit a sibling will carry through to situations at school because the teacher or administrator is present. The problem is that when the child learns out of fear rather than out of trust and respect for the caregiver, the hitting will occur when no authority is present because there’s no punishment expected. The reasons not to hit haven’t been internalized. Learning hasn’t taken place.

When children abide by limits that have been taught through nurturance and empathy, they feel good. They receive positive regard for their self-discipline. In this way discipline means teaching and loving, not punishment and fear.

The Positive Way

Here are some guidelines for setting limits and creating structure for children:
• Have a discussion with your child about the limit being set. This is respectful.
• Tell your child that you must stop him from misbehaving until deep inside he knows this for himself. This is loving.
• If you use time out, after the child has calmed down, don’t skip the step of then explaining what your expectations and intentions are.
• If in a hurried moment, your child forgets a rule, this isn’t the time for an aggressive scolding or swift, long-lasting punishment. It’s a time to pause with your child, reassert the rule and quietly wait for it to be carried out. In this way your child learns he can do it.

When parents are admired and respec-ted for their self-discipline, children wish to be like them. This earned respect leads to inner values and an inner structure that’s long-lasting. The child isn’t just pleasing the adult; she’s pleasing her own set of standards and goals.