Raising a teenager is challenging enough, but twofers can really stretch the limits of parenting skills and patience. When two, three or more teens live under the same roof, the mood swings, rivalries and conflicts can make family life resemble a daily soap opera. Normal adolescent ups and downs, like physical changes and social adjustments, are now multiplied. If there are stepsiblings or a teen with special needs, things may be more complicated. No matter what the situation, parents who are raising more than one teen at the same time will likely face the following issues.
Sibling rivalry
Sibling conflict and competition can intensify during the teen years. Teens not only compete for parental attention, but also parental favor, hoping to secure privileges like Internet use, cell phones, extended curfews and use of the family car. Moreover, teens strive to form their own individual identities, sometimes at the expense of a sibling who is subjected to put-downs and disdain.
Avoid comparing or criticizing one in the presence of the other. Let siblings solve their own problems, but intervene if the situation is abusive.
Privileges and responsibilities
Younger teens may want or demand the same privileges as older teens and may whine, wheedle or whimper to get parents to cave in. Some privileges like later curfew, part-time employment and driving are clearly age-related. But all privileges, including media use, after-school activities and time with friends, should be directly related to the level of responsibility the teen demonstrates.
Make it very clear to younger teens that some privileges are reserved for older teens and that their day will come — if they’re responsible.
Sharing and privacy
Teens will naturally want more separation from parents and more privacy, but they also may want some distance from their siblings. As a result, there can be fights about going into each other’s bedrooms or peeping into computer files. They can have a hard time sharing family resources like the TV, computer, video game consoles, car, etc.
Avoid giving each teen their own stuff in their own bedrooms. It may solve conflict and pacify the kids. But it can lead to a lot of other problems, not the least of which is that kids learn that fighting and whining gets them what they want.
Ganging up on Mom and Dad
Finally, teens get better at arguing their case and making their point. Two teens on the same page can make it really hard for Mom or Dad to stand their ground.
Decide what’s non-negotiable, be prepared to listen to your teens and reach a mutually respectful agreement on everything else.
Playing Favorites
When parents treat their teens differently, the kids and parents have very different ideas about what’s happening. A study at the University of Missouri showed that parents can reduce sibling jealousies and feelings of favoritism if they take the time to explain differences in treatment and give kids good reasons for differential treatment.