The symptoms of love-sickness are everywhere. He starts using deodorant and smells of Old Spice. She doodles his initials on every notebook cover. Both have dopey smiles on their faces. Call it first love, puppy love, a crush or infatuation; it’s a normal, but sometimes upsetting part of adolescent development.

Biology usually triggers these early hormone-charged romantic feelings, which can precede the physical changes of puberty. But peer pressure and media influences to look sexy, be popular and start dating can push preteens into situations and relationships they can’t handle. Research shows many potential benefits of romantic relationships for teens age 16 and older. But younger teens who are romantically involved are at higher risk for depression and delinquency. Frequent, exclusive dating in early adolescence may lead to poor school performance, drug use, depression and early sexual activity. Moreover, relationship skills may not evolve and develop in a way that makes mature love possible. Most teens need to form a secure sense of self before they have the capacity for intimacy — and this stable identity isn’t developed until later adolescence.

Dating Dos and Don’ts

Build a caring relationship with your preteen that models respect, open communication and cooperation. These qualities form the basis of any healthy relationship.
• Most experts suggest group dating for kids under 14 and exclusive couple dating for 16 and older.
• Discuss and define “going out, going together, going steady,” etc. You may be surprised to learn that “going together” means your daughter sits with the same boy at lunch each day or IMs him every afternoon.
• Set some ground rules. These may include places to go, the level of adult supervision and curfews.
• Don’t equate dating with sexual activity — most dating activities are all about friendship and fun. On the other hand, don’t ignore the possibility that exclusive, unsupervised couple dating can lead to premature sexual behavior.
• Don’t let your biases show. Different rules for boys and girls at the same age may be a double standard. And don’t assume they’ll even have any interest in dating. For some young people the whole dating scene is pressure-packed and angst-filled enough without unrealistic parental expectations.


How should parents handle preteen crushes?

It’s important not to minimize first romantic feelings or tease kids, even playfully. These feelings are quite real and can be very intense. Crushes often end in disappointment, rejection and sadness, so kids will need parents who are compassionate. Parents can teach preteens the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships and how to handle disappointment. With your guidance, each romantic experience can be a stepping stone in the development of the capacity for mature love.

Tim Jahn is a human development specialist with Cornell Cooperative Extension of Suffolk County and the father of two sons, ages 14 and 20.